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The Wasatch Behind: Using the Sierra Club

Sun Advocate reporter

Once upon a time people lived in caves and lived happily ever after. It was great because the whole world was wilderness and there weren't any freeways or box stores to mess up the neighborhood. The birds sang while sunbeams bounced back into interstellar space from a perfect ozone layer without any holes. There weren't any cars or power plants to pollute the air. Global warming happened all by itself and people didn't have to feel guilty about it.

Everyone dressed au-natural in the cave man days, and people didn't have to shave or put curlers in their hair. Neckties and shoes were always optional. Everyone ate organic food and no one had to go to work. Everyone was tolerant and embraced diversity.

People and animals lived together in harmony as nature intended. Wolves were our friends. Tigers, lions, and bears ate Purina predator chow and left the happy people alone. Pterodactyls flew the friendly skies while dolphins splashed playfully in the warm, ocean shallows. There were no endangered species because all of nature was in perfect harmony. Even the dinosaurs lived forever.

Cave people were vegetarians who didn't hurt the poor animals. They ate beef jerky, trail mix, and carrots instead. The water was always clean, pure, and at a perfect temperature for skinny-dipping.

There were no guns, so there was no crime. There were no armies, so there was no war. There were no churches, so no one was ever judgmental. There was no industry, so there was no pollution. There was no government, so there was no law. There were no doctors, so world overcrowding was not a problem.

Cavemen were free, happy, and able to do anything they wanted. It was called the Stone Age because people were always stoned. Things were great.

And then came the age of agriculture and that messed everything up. People started to plant potatoes and live in houses. They domesticated dogs, chickens, parakeets, and pigs, holding the poor animals against their will and shamelessly using them for food, fiber, and entertainment. The wolves began to resent us. The farmers plowed up the pretty flowers and planted corn and tomatoes. People began to wear clothes and listen to country-western music. They fenced their land to keep the cows in and the hippies out. It was paradise lost.

And then came the industrial revolution and that really messed things up. People started using machines and manufacturing stuff. Everyone had a job. Landscapes dotted with farmhouses became cities with electric lights and flush toilets. Wilderness shrank and no one danced with the wolves anymore. People had to wear shoes, even in McDonald's.

People became mobile and left unsightly boot tracks in the wilderness. Super highways were constructed and Sam Walton began selling beads and trinkets to the natives. Rivers were dammed and the water held captive. ATVs, Skidoos, and Boogie Boards were invented. Cars would go 100-miles per hour and people were having way too much fun. What to do?

And so the green people have decided to lead us back to that better time before power plants and Chevy Suburbans. They want to save us from secondhand smoke, discount department store chains, energy development, and global warming.

Their goal is to make the whole world a national park. Not pristine wilderness anymore, but a national park. There is some measure of risk in a real wilderness. National parks have rescue helicopters and helpful rangers in brown shirts and smoky bear hats. The wilderness atmosphere is much more friendly in the shadow of a national park sign. Even the wolves are fat and happy there.

To accomplish their goal, the wannabe-cavemen are trying to beat everyone into submission. They are using a big club.

They call it the Sierra Club.

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