Uncle Spud grinned as he put down his newspaper. "Did you see the new federal guidelines about what to do when confronted by a killer?"
"Guidelines?" I questioned.
"Yes, guidelines," he said. "Last Tuesday the government unveiled new guidelines about what we citizens should do when targeted by an active shooter."
"What's an active shooter?"
"According to the government, an active shooter is a guy who is actively shooting at you," Spud said. "As opposed to a guy who is more leisurely shooting at you, I suppose. Evidently there are multiple kinds of murderous shooters. The active kind must be the worst."
"They put out guidelines on what to do if you're a victim?"
"They sure did," he said. "Crazy Uncle Joe Biden introduced them at a gathering of anti-gun people that almost no one attended and no news people covered. It was a typical Joe Biden event. Anyway, there are three little handbooks: What to do if an active shooter comes to your church. What to do if an active shooter comes to your school. What to do if an active shooter comes to your college campus."
"You mean there should be different responses depending on where you are when the bad guy starts shooting?"
"Not really," Spud said. "The response is essentially the same no matter where you are, but you know how the government is, they can't put out anything that isn't endlessly duplicated and written on tons of paper. Today they have three little pamphlets covering churches and schools, but I'm sure they'll soon have hundreds more. They'll all say the same thing, but cover every conceivable place an active shooter might find you."
"So what are we supposed to do when targeted by an active shooter?"
"Run if you can. Hide if you can't run. Fight back if you're cornered."
"Gee, that is a radical departure to what the feds have been telling us for 40 years. The old policy was to give the bad guy what he wanted and call the police later."
"That policy worked well for law enforcement when citizens were being brutalized by rapists and armed robbers," Spud said. "But an active shooter wants to kill you. The feds have a problem with that because if you give the bad guy what he wants, you can't call to report it later."
"I see your point," I agreed.
"So, the new recommendation is to fight back if you have no other option."
"I love it when the government discovers common sense."
"Not so fast," Spud cautioned. "As he was handing out the pamphlets, Uncle Joe said the Obama administration is still working hard to make us all safe by taking away our guns. He said gun control is still a top priority and legislation will soon be introduced to ram it through congress once again. I'm sure they're making backroom deals and threatening people with IRS audits to win more votes to their side."
"If they take my gun away, how am I supposed to fight back when confronted by an active shooter?" I asked.
"The pamphlets suggest that we improvise and be creative when facing a madman with an AK-47. They say that a chair, fire extinguisher, trashcan, or some similar object might be used as a weapon."
"No provision for serious weapons of personal self-defense, like a handgun?"
"None," Spud assured me. "The feds want you to use a chair. They say we'll all be safer that way."
"There's an old western adage that says: 'Never bring a chair to a gunfight,'" I reminded him.
Spud smiled and said, "another old maxim says: 'God didn't make all men equal. Sam Colt took care of that.' Thank God we still have concealed carry permits - for now."
"But then, I'm sure Uncle Joe will feel much safer when you and I are reduced to throwing hymnbooks and chairs at the Jihads who have vowed to kill us. None of it matters to Joe. He will have secret service protection for the rest of his life. No chairs or trashcans in his self-defense plan. His healthcare plan is much the same way. Did you know that congress has exempted themselves from Obamacare? Gee, I wonder why they would do that?"