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The Wasatch Behind: Spud's political platform

Sun Advocate Columnist

"Well, here it is," Uncle Spud smiled proudly, "I have my platform all written up for my bid to be president."

"You're really going to go through with this?" I asked.

"You bet," he said. "My country needs me."

"Okay," I said, as I pulled up a chair. "Last week you said you were running for president as a Plutocrat, the party for rich people. Let's hear what you stand for."

"First, my domestic agenda," he said. "I promise a car in every driveway and a chicken in every pot."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted. "I think FDR already used that line."

"Okay, how about a Hummer in every parking stall and a pizza in every paw?" he offered.

"Better, and more up to date," I said.

He continued.

"Under my administration, health care, groceries, gasoline, and Jazz tickets will all be free."

"Hold it," I said. "You can't start promising stuff like that. How do you expect to pay for that stuff? Free stuff costs lots of money."

"I've got to promise free stuff to get people to vote for me," he said. "Politicians do it all the time. That's what the war on poverty and compassion for the poor is all about."

"But you'll be in big trouble if you win the election and have to deliver on those promises," I said.

"Did you grow up with your head under a bucket, or what?" he asked. "Politicians never deliver on their promises. It's a game we play every few years. They promise stuff, we vote, they make excuses, and nothing ever changes. It's the American way. Some have called it the contract on America."

"But don't worry," he said. "I've got a plan for how to pay for all the freebies. We can save lots of money by shutting down the public education system and making every family home school. It worked for thousands of years, why not go back to it now?"

"That's pretty radical," I said.

"So is the public school system," he offered. "Half of the nation's high school graduates can't read, write, or do math at a college entry level anymore. Let's get back to basics by shutting down the whole system and starting over."

"Holy cow," I said. "You really do have some new ideas. What else do you have in mind?"

"I'm going to simplify the tax system," he said. "Your employer will send your paycheck directly to the government. The feds will take what they need for taxes and send back whatever they don't need. People will love it because they won't need to file any forms and we'll all get a tax rebate check every month. It's essentially the same thing we have today, but with less paperwork."

"What is your position on Iraq?" I asked.

"I intend to draft Larry the Cable Guy, make him a nine-star general, and send him over there to 'gitt'er done,' whatever it takes," he said.

"What about illegal immigration?" I asked.

"The United States will annex Mexico," he said. "She'll be the 51st state."

"Global warming?"

"It's time to stop talking and do something," he said. "My administration will confiscate all of the land within 30 miles of the ocean and knock down all of the buildings to make room for rising water levels. Cities like New York, San Francisco and Miami will be torn down and relocated on higher ground. Both coasts will be turned into parks, national recreation areas, wildlife sanctuaries, and wilderness study areas until covered by water, whenever that happens. The money FEMA saves by not having to pay hurricane relief anymore should cover it."

"Health care?"

"Under my administration, having good health will not only be free, it will be mandatory," he said. "Those who do not maintain good health will be dropped from the national health care system. This will save billions of dollars annually."

"Reparations for slavery?"

"I think the Egyptians owe the Jews - big time," he said.


"Late term abortion will be allowed until the 45th year of life," he said. "A panel of school children will have 'freedom of choice' to decide which mothers qualify for exemptions and which ones should be terminated."

"Do you have a campaign slogan?" I asked.

"Sure," he said. "American Freedom: Use It or Lose It."

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