Print Page

The Wasatch Behind: Uncle Spud for president

Sun Advocate Columnist

"It's official," Uncle Spud said proudly, "today I'm announcing my candidacy for president."

"President of what?" I asked cautiously.

"President of the United States, of course," he said with stars in his eyes and his hand over the Cabela's label on his shirt pocket in a patriotic salute.

"Get out of here," I laughed. "Who would want you for president? You're older than dirt and dumber than a box or rocks."

"I'm every bit as qualified as any other candidate in the race," he said with an air of perfect smugness. "In fact, I'm better qualified than most of them."

"You, qualified to be president?" I giggled. "How do you figure that one?"

"I was born in a log cabin like Abe Lincoln," he said. "I ride a big white horse like George Washington; I'm handsome like Thomas Jefferson; and I pack a gun like Teddy Roosevelt."

"No doubt. You should be on Mount Rushmore," I said with just a touch of sarcasm.

"No kidding," he insisted, "I'm as qualified as anyone running for president this year: Joe Biden has his foot in his mouth; Barack Obama is "clean" and "articulate;" Mitt Romney is a Mormon; Rudy Juliani is from New York; John McCain went to jail in Vietnam; and Hillary, well, Hillary is a girl. An old redneck cowboy like me would round out the field real good."

"I don't know," I said. "It takes a big organization and lots of money to run for president nowadays. Which party are you affiliated with?"

"I don't have a political party," he said. "I guess I'll have to make my own. Teddy Roosevelt did it back in 1912. He ran for president on the Bull Moose ticket when those nasty Republicans failed to make him their nominee."

"You wouldn't call your party the Bull Moose Party, would you?"

"No," he said. "Teddy Roosevelt was the Bull Moose. "I'm going to run as a Plutocrat."

"A what?" I asked.

"I'm going to run as a Plutocrat," he said again.

"Never heard of it," I said.

"Most people haven't," he admitted, "but Plutocrats rule the world. Plutocracy happens when rich people rule. Look it up in the dictionary if you don't believe me."

"But you're not one of the rich people," I said.

"Rich people always hire poor people to do all the work," he said. "If I can get elected president, the Plutocrats are sure to hire me to rule the world for them."

"You're out of your mind," I said.

"You just don't understand politics," he said. "We really do have a Plutocracy in this country today. Rich people rule. Our two party system, Democrats and Republicans, is like having a choice between a Chevrolet and a GMC. The guts of the two are exactly the same. Only the grills and the emblems on the tailgates are different. Democrats and Republicans are different colors of the same thing - red states and blue states. That's why the same dumb stuff happens no matter who is in control of congress."

"What kind of dumb stuff?" I asked.

"Dumb stuff like open borders during a time of war," he said. "We have millions of illegal, undocumented foreigners walking our streets. Any one of them could be a suicide bomber. The Republicans and Democrats won't fix it because the Plutocrats don't want it fixed. Republican Plutocrats own big business and they want cheap labor. Democrat Plutocrats want an earth-friendly socialistic society where a great underclass can be controlled, and votes bought, with free bread and circuses. Millions of poor, illegal aliens fill the bill for both parties."

"You make it sound terrible," I said.

"The truth sometimes hurts," he said. "But anyway, I'm going to jump past the usual channels and go right to the top. No Democrat or Republican convention for me. I'm going to appeal directly to the Plutocrats. They're the ones who get people elected."

"And how do you propose to do that?" I asked.

"I'm going to give the rich people what they want," he said. "I expect to have my platform and election strategy all mapped out in the next few weeks. Stay tuned."

Print Page