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Front Page » December 24, 2013 » Opinion » Santa Claus flip-flops on the Liberal-Conservative debate
Published 654 days ago

Santa Claus flip-flops on the Liberal-Conservative debate

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I have heard a lot of speculation in the past about where Jesus would fall politically if categorized by today's standards. Some say he would be a liberal while others claim he would be a conservative.

But since that argument has been beaten to death by pundits, I want to examine the political stance of a guy we have all come to love and know since childhood. That is Santa Claus.

Is Santa a flaming liberal? Or is he part of the Tea Party movement?

We know a lot about him from song and tale, but he has never expressed in his own words whether he would have voted Democratic or Republican in the last election, or any election for that matter. So let's look at some the clues he has left us about his life and decide where he falls on the political spectrum.

• He has some very strict rules about how children should behave. And you and I, even as adults, are either naughty or nice to him. So it's pretty black and white on this matter that he is a conservative.

• While sometimes Santa flies into places during the holiday season in a helicopter or comes to town to talk to children on a fire truck, his main mode of transportation for his big trip is pretty environmentally sensitive: reindeer and a sleigh. That probably shows he is a liberal since he commands the Prius of flying through the air. So that would make him a liberal, right? But there is another question in this. Would a liberal take some poor animals, hitch them to a sleigh, work them all night without a break, give them strange names and then discard them without any reindeer fun for the rest of the year? That must make him a conservative.

• People see Santa as a giver. After all, he brings stuff to people's houses and leaves it for them. On the other hand, he breaks into homes to do it. How many stories have you heard about burglars getting stuck in chimneys when they try to get into a house? He also doesn't do these good deeds for nothing; he expects milk and cookies or whatever you have. I used to leave him those when I was a kid but when I got older I left him a fifth of Jack on the table in the kitchen with some pretzels.When I got up in the morning it was completely gone. Saying this he must have a little of the right and left in him.

• Santa uses slave labor to build the toys. Have you ever met an elf that escaped from his workshop? No, you haven't because it is so far up past the North Pole no one could get out alive after an escape. Sure, the elves look happy in television programs and in books, but only because they don't know any better. Besides, could elves get this good of a gig anyplace else? No one knows what he pays the elves because it is after all Santa Inc. and privately owned. Rumor has it they get elf scrip that they must spend in the company store, where everything is high priced. Sounds like a conservative to me. The elves need a union.

• Santa is good and kind to little children. His intention is to treat all children the same and make sure they get what they want just for asking. Of course they have to be good, but we've all seen instances where he rewarded really bad and rotten kids on Christmas morning, while good kids on the other side of town got nothing. I think in these kinds of isolated cases of non-delivery there must have been a clerical error. I have to give him the liberal label on this for his good intentions.

• He wears red all the time. And he lives in a red state as well. He can see Sara Palin's place from his workshop. That makes him a conservative.

• His favorite line is "Ho Ho Ho." I have to wonder if that is him laughing or thinking about something else. I wonder if Mrs. Santa knows what that means. He must be a liberal.

• Speaking of Mrs. Santa, she doesn't seem to get to much say in how he runs his business. She is always baking cookies or warming up Campbell's soup and putting out Coca Cola for him. He must keep her in the kitchen all the time. He must be a conservative.

• Speaking of that relationship the couple has no children of their own, but give away a lot of stuff to other kids despite their childless plight. They both must be liberals.

Well there's the rundown. Sounds like to me he is the very worst thing that either conservatives or liberals can think of: a fence sitter.

He is a moderate.

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December 24, 2013
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