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Front Page » September 20, 2011 » Opinion » The Wasatch Behind
Published 1,481 days ago

The Wasatch Behind

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Sun Advocate Columnist

Beam me up Scotty

"I think we just found a good place to cut the federal budget," Uncle Spud said as he put his newspaper down in disgust.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"NASA," he said. "You know, the National Aeronautic and Space Administration. They seem to have a lot of scientists with nothing to do."

"That's true," I agreed. "Now that the space shuttle program has ended, they do expect some big layoffs."

"They need to cut real deep," Spud growled. "Did you see this report?"

"What report?"

"It's titled, Global Warming May Cause Alien Invasion," the Spudster smiled.


"That's what I said," Spud laughed.

"Does it say global warming is causing illegal aliens to cross our southern border?" I asked.

"No," said Spud. "It's not about drug smugglers and undocumented Democrats. It talks about space aliens; creatures from outer space piloting flying saucers."

"Space aliens in flying saucers?"

"Yup," Spud nodded. "In August a NASA scientist, Shawn Domagal-Goldman, and a colleague, Seth Baum, from Penn State University, published an article in the science journal, Acta Astronautical, saying space aliens will probably wipe us out because we are not being good stewards of the planet."

"You're kidding," I exclaimed. "I didn't know NASA had a science fiction department."

"It's called the Planetary Science Division," Spud smiled. "It's a government program funded by tax dollars. Until this report came out, most people thought it was a top notch scientific organization."

"What does the report say?"

"The report says beings from other planets will probably notice the change in earth's atmosphere as we humans cause global warming. Because of global warming they will perceive us to be a threat, not just to ourselves, but the whole universe. Those eco-friendly space aliens surely don't want us trashing the galactic neighborhood. So, in order to save the universe, they will likely intervene in human affairs and probably plow us under."

"Jeepers, what can we do?" I asked.

"Stop global warming," Spud said. "If we shut down our power plants and factories, give up our automobiles and make lots of new wilderness, the space creatures might leave us alone."

"You've got to be kidding," I scoffed.

"This puts a whole new meaning to the term, little green men from Mars," Spud smiled.

"What evidence is this report based on?"

"Science," he shrugged.

"Ah, global warming science," I said as the light bulb above my head came on. "Of course. Come to think of it, this does fit right in with the rest of the climate change science we've been subjected to over the years. Somehow, tree-hugging space creatures seem right at home in Al Gore's man-made global warming scenario and green agenda. Talk about an inconvenient truth. To quote the Irreverend Jeremiah Wright, Al Gore's chickens are coming home to roost. Eco-weirdos are oozing out of the woodwork, even at NASA."

"But what if it is true and scientists have made secret contact with space aliens and they know something we don't know," Spud said with big and questioning eyes.

"What if the NASA scientist are space aliens," I offered.

Spud looked around nervously and said, "What if Al Gore does have the hot line number to planet Alpha Cryptobiotica?"

"Maybe Al Gore is a space alien too," I suggested.

"There's only one thing we can do," Spud concluded. "When the galactic eco-green space creatures show up, give them the Dr. Spock Vulcan hand salute and say Nanu-Nanu. I think I remember Captain Kirk saying once that Nanu-Nanu means, 'I eat veggie-burgers.' Eco-friendly space rangers will surely take that as code for, 'I'm with you guys.'"

"You've got the wrong TV show," I whispered. "It was Robin Williams, as Mork, who said Nanu-Nanu. I think it was Star Trek's chief engineer Scotty who said, 'We shull brravely Gorre where no man has ever Gorrn baforre.'"

"The plot thickens," Spud said suspiciously.

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