The Wasatch Behind: A new code of the west
Times are changing and so are we. There was a time when the code of the west had to do with hospitality and good manners.But things are different now. The west has been overrun with city folks, tourists, and tree huggers. And places like rural Utah are crowded now.
To adapt to the new reality, it has become necessary to modify the cowboy code of conduct. What follows is an adaptation, with additions, to an e-mail my brother Jack sent to me a few weeks ago.
Here are some excerpts from the new code of the west.
â¢Don't squat with your spurs on.
â¢Boots are better than sandals for kicking cow chips on hot days.
â¢Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
â¢Never trust the judgment of a man who wears his cap backwards and squints in the sun.
â¢Tattoos might be cool in California, but here we brand cattle instead of people.
â¢It's true. Cowboy hats and ponytails don't work well together if you want to see where you're going. That's why Willie Nelson wears pigtails.
â¢It's a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Step on it or get out of the way.
â¢Those cows might stink to you, but they smell like money to me.
â¢Don't expect me to be impressed with your $60,000 car. I've got a $250,000 combine I drive just three weeks a year.
â¢The "opener" refers to the first day of a religious holiday held in October. It's called deer season.
â¢If that cell phone rings while the ducks/deer/turkeys are comin' in during the hunt, we'll shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it next to your ear.
â¢Sure we recycle. Save all your shell casings so we can reload before the next hunt.
â¢Cowboys are healthy people. When we cook, our meals cover all five of the basic food groups: meat, bread, potatoes, onions, and Tabasco sauce.
â¢Yes, we eat wild trout, deer, elk and upland game. If you want caviar and sushi, try the bait shop.
â¢Sorry, there are no veggie burgers on the menu. If you want to eat grass, have dinner with the cows.
â¢All we have is coffee. Cappuccino doesn't work here. I think he sings for the opera.
â¢Turn down that stereo when driving through our state. That wild thumpin' crap you call music spooks the deer and makes it difficult for the rest of us to road hunt.
â¢You can snap your clicker at it all day, but that wire gate won't open until you get out of your car and open it yourself.
â¢It's called a cattle guard but it doesn't guard the cows. It keeps the cows from following you home.
â¢Everyone waves out west. It's a polite way to show that your gun is safely in its holster.
â¢If you bring coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
â¢Bring Mary Jane and she better be cute, know how to drive a truck, and have long hair.
â¢And for you ladies: Never slap a man who chews tobacco.