The Wasatch Behind: Paris for president
"Did you see Paris Hilton's political ad on TV?" Uncle Spud giggled as he surfed through the channels. "It's amazing. That vain, shallow woman has more brains than either of the candidates for president."
"Yes, I saw it," I told him. "It's all over the internet."
"No kidding," he said. "Her energy policy makes McCain and Obama both look like fools, and all she did was use some basic common sense."
"Sort of puts a whole new twist to the old adage, 'from the mouths of babes,'" I said.
"She's a babe, alright," he smiled. "And a smart one, too. I think we should make her president by acclamation and forget about those other two clowns."
"Wait a minute," I scolded. "Don't get carried away here. Her TV spot is only a tongue-in-cheek jab at John McCain for using her image in one of his anti-Obama ads."
"But that goofy TV celebrity is smarter than McCain, Obama, Nancy Pelosi and the entire U.S. Congress combined," he insisted. "She said we should drill for oil to tide us over while we work on developing alternative fuels for the future. For heaven's sake man, that's the only possible solution to the energy crisis and something we should have been doing since Jimmy Carter was president. How come some dumb blonde like Paris Hilton can figure it out and Congress can't?"
"Congress has been busy the past 30 years taking care of important things like paying down the national debt, fixing social security, stopping illegal immigration, turning the western states into wilderness and passing moratoriums on offshore drilling," I said. "They haven't had time to deal with an obvious, looming energy crisis that threatens our entire way of life."
"And John McCain has been in Congress for 26 years," Spud growled. "He's part of the problem as far as I'm concerned."
"But McCain now says he's changed his mind and he's open to offshore drilling," I reminded him.
"Yes," Spud smiled scornfully. "But he only came to that change of heart after the Republican base threatened to tar and feather him. And he's still not willing to drill in ANWR. I think he's having pipe dreams of winning the Sierra Club vote. The man is a little green around the edges."
"But Obama doesn't want to drill at all," I offered.
"That's true," Spud remarked. "He's going to solve the energy crisis with a tire gauge. What a brilliant Bozo. He'll probably want to solve our national health care crisis with a thermometer, too."
"But Obama says it'll take too long to get any benefit from drilling. He wants to tap into the strategic oil reserve and put billions into developing wind and solar power," I explained.
"Oh for Pete's sake," Spud sputtered. "The strategic oil reserve is for a serious emergency like a world war, not for political expediency. And we've been developing wind and solar technology since the 1970s and they still don't generate more than two percent of our energy needs. Throwing billions of dollars at windmills is casting our fate to the wind. We need more oil and coal until something truly revolutionary comes along to replace them. It might take 20 years."
"And then," Spud continued. "As usual, Nancy Pelosi is playing politics with the whole issue. As Speaker of the House she has refused to allow a vote on repealing the offshore drilling moratorium, the one president Bush recently rescinded. We can't drill for more oil until that vote happens, and Congress just adjourned for a five week recess."
"Why would she do that?" I asked.
"I can only guess that she hopes to keep people miserable and mad enough about four dollar gasoline that they'll vote for Democrats this time around," Spud shrugged. "The whole thing is shameful and another fine example of our Congress at work. To fix the oil crisis we've got to start drilling now. We can't play politics with something like this. There comes a time to put partisanship aside and do what's right for the country."
"Let's kick the rascals out," I cried.
"I agree," Spud echoed. "Those clowns in Washington had better get a clue. People are mad."
"That's right," I said. "We need change we can believe in. Let's get on the Internet and see if we can find some 'Paris for President' bumper stickers."
"Do you think she'll make Britney Spears her vice president?" Spud asked hopefully.