The Wasatch Behind: More from candidate Spud
"I see Hillary, Rudi Juliani, Mitt Romney, and Barak Obama on TV all the time," I said to Uncle Spud. "But I never see you there. What gives? Are you still running for president?"
"We Plutocrats stay under the radar," he smiled. "It's part of our political strategy."
"You can't win the presidency if people don't know you," I said.
"Oh yes I can," he snorted. "We elected presidents we don't know all the time. We vote for Abe Lincoln but we get Homer Simpson. You never know who they are until they've been in office for a year or two."
"But how are you going to win without being on TV?" I asked.
"I intend to win because I have better ideas," he said, "not because I look good on TV."
"No need to worry about that," I smiled.
"You know what I mean," he said impatiently. "This shouldn't be a beauty contest."
"It's not a beauty contest," I argued. "It's just that everyone has an angle nowadays. Both parties want to run a racial minority candidate in order to pick up the minority votes. They run a woman to get women voters and the "freedom to choose" people. They run a religious guy to pick up the vast right wing conspiracy crowd. They run war heroes to influence the swift boat veterans out there. They run a guy who's going to save the planet to get the green people on board. The trouble is, no single candidate fills the bill for everyone."
"Exactly," Spud smiled. "That's why I'm not letting anyone see my face, resume, or dental records while I run for president. If people don't know who I am or what I look like, I'll be able to get votes from every segment of society. I'll be like the Wizard of Oz. From behind the curtain, I'll make black people think I'm black, green people think I'm green, rich people think I'm rich, church people think I'm churchy, and swift boat veterans think I'm swift."
"What about the woman angle?" I asked.
"I'll run a story in Cosmopolitan that I'm considering a gender change operation," he said. "That should take care of that."
"Good thinking," I smiled. "But what about policy? You said you were going to offer some fresh new ideas."
"That's right," he said. "How about this. Since everyone must pass a drug test to get and keep a job nowadays. And since people with jobs, who pass the drug test, are paying the way for those who do not have jobs. I think it's only fair that people pass a drug test before they pick up a welfare check. I think this would go a long ways toward solving our drug problems, it would save billions of our tax dollars, and it might put a few people back to work."
"I don't think so," I said. "A lot of those people would turn to crime if the government checks stopped."
"That's the second part of the plan," he said. "Do the crime - do the time. I propose we turn eastern Nevada into a penal colony. We could fence the whole place and have self-sustaining convict communities, communal farms, ranches, and license plate factories out there in the lizards and sage bushes. Druggies would go there for a second offense. Ten years is 10 years. No plea-bargains or time off for good behavior. The whole place would be a caring and sharing rehab colony, sort of like Australia in the late 1700s."
"You're cold," I said.
"And, while we're at it," he offered. "Since we've got to get God completely out of our government, lets go all the way. I think it's time to get rid of all of those religious holidays for government workers. Talk about illegally combining church and state! I'm sure that religious holidays like Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and Sundays, would never pass the separation of church and state test. Besides, I want my mail delivered on Sunday and I might want to get my driver's license renewed on Easter. None of this Christmas recess stuff for congress either."
"You had better stay behind the curtain like the Wizard of Oz if you propose things like that," I said.
"Good stuff to think about," he smiled. "I hate hypocrisy, and I don't believe in doing things halfway."